The Chaos Within - The return of the dance!

It's been a while since I've written a blog. There has been so much to write about... and yes, I've had the time if I needed it... but somehow I couldn't bring myself to sit down and write again... for a time, after Saraswathi and Ashok died, I forgot how to dance.

I gave myself over to work, to the play 'On Vacation' (which we did as an awareness/fund raiser for DISHA on the 17th of June). The fucking Deep Griha computers have played their share in keeping me away from my next blog. (Paul suggested that I - an almost priest - am qualified to perform an almost excorcism of the demons that have undoubtedly possessed the computers for so long now.) But sometimes you can't write... not because the words aren't there, but rather because you are afraid of what the words will say.

Dostoevsky in the 'Idiot' said, "my words don't always correspond to my thoughts and that is embarressing for the thoughts."

For me, while this is true, it meant that if they don't correspond, then something was in danger of pouring out that my thoughts can't guard against... and we all need to move to a position that doesn't allow us to be made bare and naked, a place where we can hide from ourselves, a place we trust... I am not making too much sense am I... let's go back... for a time I forgot how to dance and then, being in Delhi, forced me to remember.

On the Friday night, my first night here I was invited to the Sahara Coffee night on the roof terrace of their drug rehab centre. Here the music blared and the clients danced, abandoning themselves to the rhythm. 'Get high with music.' And fuck did I dance...

Then, this morning I visited Shantanu's transgender (TG) project. The return of the dance was reinforced. My time with Sahara has reminded me that we never stop dancing, we always move, through the pain, through the confusion, through the chaos.

The TG project in Old Delhi works with Eunuchs and homosexuals. It is a naked, real project. It reaches out to a people that have been misunderstood marginalised and manipulated, especially in recent history. Sex is a living. HIV/AIDS is most often a consequence. Selfrespect is on sabbatical.

Shantanu and his team are helping them find it again. When you sit with them and they glance shyly... you don't know how to react. Smile... of course I smiled. It was met with a stony glare. I smiled again, and the suspicioun very slowly melted.

Of course I'd need to work or volunteer here to make any connection, but listening to their stories, listening about how they have been reduced to less than human because they are neither male nor female, reminded me of how fucking flawed we are as humanity.

People have attempted to explain evil to me as a force that is outside of us, as is good. Spending the morning on the TG project reinforced my belief in the fact that good and evil are of us. It is as human as our need for love. It is as complicated as our need for love. It is as simple as our need for love.

And the transgender community love to dance. Watching them today I realised that the need to dance is human and simple and complicated too. Primeval. And my insides filled with gratitude.

I have been priveleged to work with and meet people that continue to inspire me... from Dr. Onawale, to Neville, to Shantanu and Mirchi, to the dancer, to my fantastic team, and of course the team of Deep Griha volunteers (and that new Sahara volunteer with the gorgeous smile) that I miss as much or more than they do me.

The cliche that every day is a beginning, that we are reborn with the the coming of dawn, is not just a truism, I have felt it again, deep deep deep inside me.

There is much to do. Ahead of us are weeks of hard work and sacrifice... bring it on! With those around me at DISHA, Sahara and of course Deep Griha, nothing is impossible.

On with the dance... it has returned.

A "Hans-less" DISHA

Whatelse can I say you need to be here to see and believe it!
It is generally said that one realises the importance of something or someone when you no longer have it or have them around you! Indeed the saying has come true for my fellow collegues & friends!
well DISHA is not the same without Hans being around!
It has been less than a week, but yap he is surely being missed!
The DISHA team, the Volunteers, the Driver, the smokeless air,the unsweared ears,the eyes that see a soft heart behind the brave & strong Hans... of course that deadly Smile... oh? hans you are indeed missed!
Come back soon!
well Natasha says, A Hansless DISHA is " CHAOS!"
AISHA Says,"THE INDIA" is NOT the same without "THE HANS"!
KIM says, " oh Gahwd!"
Scotish Poaw says, "HE better be hung over from last nights game!" (while sporting his bright yellow and green BRAZIL shirt)

MISS YOU...

Shazma:-)

Time

You know what’s scary? It’s Thursday, then Friday, then 6 weeks. Then it’s down to a fortnight of work (Hang on WHAT?!), a week, (WAIT!), 3 weeks travelling (NO! I still need to…), 2 (WOW! TOO FAST!), 1 week (PLEASE SLOW DOWN!!!!), 1 day (BUT!…) In Scotland (WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!?!?!).

OK, Lets calm down. Imagine if this is a dream and my mum is about to wake me up and tell me “Time to go to India!” That would be horrible. What if the people I went with turned out to be different people from the ones in this dream? What if they turned out the same? What if the plane really crashed on the way over here and I am lying in a bed in a coma and I am only in India in my mind?

Shit. Times too short. I need more of it. Times too fast. I need it to slow down. But when we need Time to slow down it speeds up more. When we need time to speed up it slows even further.

It needs to slow. So it’s going fast. Time is being spent writing this and telling you this. Damn. My Time in India’s running to the end as if it’s in a race with lightning. If only I could control time. But I can’t. What needs to be done is for the time we have left to be used. It will be over too soon. There it goes…

Fuck.

David Lyon

Never use guns or computers

This blog starts with a funny but familiar scene.

I am watching Paul shout, scream and swear at the computer. This is a scene I’ve seen before, done by many people, in many different countries. People like to yell at the computer and shout at it when it doesn’t do what we want it to. But we never thank the computer for working perfectly. There is the obvious reason for not thanking a computer; it might talk back and then we know we’ve gone crazy. But why then do we think it would help yelling at a computer or pleading with it when it doesn’t work?

Let me just quote Paul’s advice to a little child just now - “Never use guns or computers.”

He was frustrated. He didn’t mean it. He will use a computer again, but why do we think that yelling at a computer is fine when nobody ever thanks a computer? I think the point is that we don’t think. Something’s gone wrong and we need someone to blame.

It was like on the sleeper bus going to The Himalayas; the bus stopped, the driver disappeared, so the passengers stood in a circle yelling at each other, as the real person to blame wasn’t about. It’s the same with computers, as nobody in the room is to blame, its easier to get angry with the computer, to hit it on the side, and threaten to throw it out the window, just because something’s gone wrong with it. The computer will never answer back at you and so it’s an easier argument to win. You also know that people in the room are on your side, as they’ve all yelled the same script as well.

“Stupid computer!” “Piece of junk!” “I’m going to throw this out the window!” “Error 562! What the hell does that mean!” “I hate this!” “Hate computers!” “AH!” “You’ve got more 5 seconds to work!” “Please work!” “OH! Come on! Work!” “Let me just try this once more!” “Right, we click that, then that, to file, and…come on please…NO!” “Don’t you dare!” “Fuck!” “Bloody thing!” “The file’s gone! NO! I’ve spent the last hour on that!” “I don’t care if the bloody proximity settings are off!” “Just print will you!” “It’s frozen!” “Oh shit!” etc.

You get the idea. You’ve heard it all before. You’ve probably said some of it yourself. The only reason to snap at someone in the room is if the guy sitting next to you foolishly tells you to calm down, trying to inject some reason into the situation. He may, if he’s lucky, get as far as the comment that yelling really doesn’t solve anything in the situation, before you bite his head off.

It’s true that the computer is going to be broken no matter what you say to it. You can’t scare the virus away. You can’t chase the error message to another place. You can’t make the power cut give you those unsaved pages back. But at that point you don’t care. You just need to yell at it, to get all the frustration building up inside of you, out in the open

That is possibly the reason. Yelling does help. It makes us feel better.

So a very big thanks you to this computer for being so helpful. It brought up the word processing document when I clicked on the icon. It put the correct letters on the page as I typed them. It even checked my page for errors when I asked but checked with me before changing anything. Thank you very much to the computer.

And thanks to Paul for putting the idea in my head.

David Lyon

PS You might like to know that I experienced trouble getting this onto the Internet. The connection didn’t work on this computer. I then tried to send this to another computer where the Internet was working but it failed to find a connection between the 2 computers. Stupid computers! AH!!!!!!!!

Faces

These children live through so many things,
And yet their faces light up with smiles,
They don't focus on past tragedies,
Their stories go on for miles,
Even though they are still at the start.

The boy full of dance and laughter,
The girl who imagines her life to lead to her dreams.
And why shouldn't she have a dream?
She laughs and cries and plays and sings,
Just like every other child.

But unlike every other child,
God has dealt her an unfair hand,
In a few years she will no longer be here.
And that boy who dances now will be dancing in heaven,
Singing his song.

Their smiles,
Their voices,
Their laughs,
Their faces,
Will live on in our minds and hearts,
Forever.

1 Man's Death vs 40.3 Million Lives - Why does death win?

I was ill. I had a temperature. It felt like the entire Scottish Rugby Team was jumping on my head. My whole body ached. Yes folks – I was ill.

I was also bored. They had gone to Sahara. They wouldn’t return until the next day. They had gone to Tadiwala Road. They wouldn’t return until night. They had gone to City of Child. They wouldn’t return until the weekend. Yes folks I was bored.

Bored. That was my emotion. Everyone had gone. I was all alone – 5 hours with nothing to do – then SAVED…the tv was fixed Hallelujah!!!! (By professionals this time!)

The day was slow – here’s how it went!

-I had the tasty vegetarian option of chicken soup
-Watched a good movie – David returned home mid-way
-We waited for a cheesy advert to finish – which turned
out to be a movie
-Enjoyed the musical talent of the killer plant in Little
Shop of Horrors
-Watched Ross break his hand in Friends
-Went out for food in the anticipation of Scrubs
-Found out how to tip with Mr Bean
-Watched the hazards of golf on the roof in Scrubs
-Then…switched on the news, which finally brings us to
the point of this blog.

Now, after that our collective minds have gone blank – we don’t know where to start. It’s 11.11pm on the roof of the Deep Griha Cultural Centre. The moon is bright in a sky of twinkling stars; we are eating orange frutella and admiring the shadowy outline of the palm trees. Oh yes the blog… we seem to have gotten a little off track – if only you could see the palm trees you would understand. They however are not the point of this blog. The stars and the moon are not the point of this blog. The point of this blog starts with a man’s death.

On Thursday 8th June the murder of Al-Zarqawi hit news channels across the world. Al-Zarqawi was the self-proclaimed leader of al-Qaeda and long-time ally of Osama Bin Laden. He was an evil man, but without any thought to his family or friends – yes he was human – his death was broadcast as ‘a great success’. The thing we can’t understand is why was he given the easy way out? Was dropping a bomb on his head really the best form of punishment that we could think up?

Wouldn’t it have been more detrimental to him to be locked up in a cell for the rest of his life and having to watch everything he has fought to destroy, rise up in triumph?

When did our world start to distinguish between a murder that is considered right by society’s standards and one that is considered wrong by the same standards? Who gave anyone the right to play God? Isn’t it right that we have the power to arrest and give punishment but not the right to take a life? Just because terrorists take this route do we have to conform to their ways? If we do aren’t we just as bad? We teach our children not to hit back – why don’t we teach ourselves the same lessons? We tell our children to walk away but then we go and blast people with fucking bombs. What example are we setting to future generations? "See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction." —Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003 – George Bush

The way we choose our words can be very important as to how we perceive ourselves. If we say ‘we are determined to beat them’ with the possible connotation of kill, is that not just sugar-coating the fact the we are going to take more lives. Mr Blair must have spent time choosing his words carefully so as not to be seen as the executioner.

The second point of this blog starts with the little runny thing at the bottom of the news channel. We caught a glimpse of a tiny piece of information. We waited for it to re-appear through ‘world news’, ‘entertainment’, ‘sports’, ‘health’, ‘commercial’ and finally around came ‘science’.

“Scientists are developing a new way of tackling HIV by creating a drug that blocks the assembly of virus cells.”

That was it. Potentially, there is an opportunity to save the lives of 40.3 million people. Where do we go from here? The death of 1 man took over at least 3 news channels (more world-wide), the possibility to cure millions of lives was given a second or 2 running along the bottom of 1 of them.

We would say that developing a vaccine for HIV would be the greater achievement however the media seems to think that death is the answer. Mr Blair would at least seem to spend more time choosing his words about situations where as Mr Bush says “I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe — I believe what I believe is right."

Esther & David (& Hans…sort of)


"I'm also mindful that man should never try to put words in God's mouth. I mean, we should never ascribe natural disasters or anything else to God. We are in no way, shape, or form should a human being, play God." —George W. Bush, ABC's 20/20, Washington D.C., Jan. 14, 2005

Smoking Kills - But You Knew That Already

Smoking. This topic is a prickly one. It’s possibly more controversial than my last blog on God. With God you have theories and few facts. With smoking you have facts.

OK, lets not beat around the bush. Smoking. Fatal. Maybe. OK.

I could go on with statistics and estimates and symptoms and alternatives and la dee da! Bla! Bla! Bla! You’ve heard it all before. The message is everywhere, even on the side of cigarette packets themselves. So what I’ve never understood is why people do it. Why start? Why let all that money go towards something that IS making you more and more unfit and POSSIBLY could be killing you, shortening your life on this planet.

Why the bloody hell would anybody want to do that?

It’s something I don’t understand. But lets see if we can figure it out shall we.

OK, first to all the smokers I know reading this. Don’t worry. I will not reveal any of your names, or how much you smoke as I know that the information must be kept from people who are closest to you, mostly parents I find, and I will not reveal your names. Although on that thought why keep the facts from them? Are you embarrassed? Ashamed? I don’t know. I hope you have the reason handy.

THIS IS NOT A BLOG THAT IS GOING TO LECTURE AND TELL YOU TO STOP! YOUR LIFE. YOUR CHOISE. ALL I WANT TO DO IS UNDERSTAND THE CHOISE TO SMOKE.

I myself have never taken so much as a single draw. If I did maybe that would be my start but I don’t get the decision to start on the slippery slope.

Hm…random memory here. One of my friends of old, John Seater. First made friends with him during Swimming Club. We were the only guys there and in S2 it kind of explains why we went. Anyhow, we were friends for a few years. Then we started to drift apart, just naturally, no real incident springs to mind. Our friends became different, our personalities and lifestyles too. The last time we saw each other I was climbing on a bus. We were still people who were keeping the friendship alive but we both knew that our lives were a bit too different to do anything more than occasionally meet in a café and swap funny stories. He promised to phone about his house being free the next week, he said “See ya’ Man!” and I replied “Talk to you later.” Got on the coming bus and was away. He didn’t phone me. I didn’t phone him. Our lives parted ways pleasantly enough.

But there was a point, running up to our final parting when I realised he’d lost all respect for my views on things. In Hunter’s Square in Edinburgh, between 2 puffs of the cigarette, he said the throw away comment of “Wait till I get you addicted to these things.”

Why is this story relevant? This story is only relevant up to a point. It questions what kind of person feels that they need the artificial calming effects of smoking. Before coming to India I thought it must be people that were insecure and couldn’t deal with life’s realities on their own. Part of me, even in the face of the evidence, still believes this.

But then I had a look at some people I know and I am friends with some of them. Some are here in India with me, some are back in Scotland. I will not name anyone but each one is a person who I know.

Person 1. Male. He is inwardly insecure and immature. Possibly makes up stories in order to create a life he doesn’t have. He is an attention seeker. Smoker.

Person 2. Female. Irritating, very insecure and scared. If she misses a bus stop by one stop she will run up flapping her arms like it’s the end of the world. Won’t let people into her house unless you give her a week’s warning to tidy up (no joke, a week! You can’t even pop in to use the toilet if you happen to be in the neighbourhood). One of the most insecure, unsure, timid people I’ve ever known. Despite this she wants to be seen. It feels like she wants to prove to herself that she does have friends. Non-smoker.

Person 3. Female. She is another quiet, insecure person who walks around with her head down staring at the ground. She speaks in a very quiet voice and never repeats anything if you didn’t catch it the first time. She seems to view her own opinions on things as irrelevant and seems to be in a constant state of quiet fear and stress. Non-smoker

Person 4. Female. She is a highly religious Catholic. She is confident and is willing to tell me that I am talking rubbish if she thinks I am. Loves a good laugh as well as a good session about other people. Smoker

Person 5. Male. He is also highly religious. Loves to laugh and argue for God whenever the topic arises. He is confident around people and loves to make people laugh. Loves “Friends” to the point of silliness. Non-smoker.

Person 6. Female. She comes from a solid background. Her parents constantly try to get her to stop smoking using a lot of different methods. She herself has thought about quitting. Her boyfriend used to be against it. Despite this she still smokes. Smoker.

Person 7. Female. Comes from a family of smokers. Her parents encouraged her to smoke and she has 2 brothers both who are heavy smokers. She is also a talented actress and loves to be centre stage. Want to guess this one? Your wrong. Non-smoker.

Person 8. Male. He is secretive about his past and his plans for the future, except when he’s around the few people he seems to really trust. He was hit as a child and that messed him up a little bit. He is a heavy drinker and, scarily enough, claims to feel better after he has run so hard that he has to stop and throw up. In larger groups, when he’s not drunk, he laughs and jokes and manages to put everyone around him at ease. Non-smoker.

Lets compare these 8 people and see if we can figure out a pattern. I apologise if anybody think they recognised themselves and were offended in any way.

Here are some theories as to why people start to smoke.

What if people smoke because they are insecure and can’t deal with Life properly? This is not true. People 2 and 3 are both insecure but nether smoke. On the other hand people 4 and 6 are both confident and smoke. What if confidant people smoke? Person 1 isn’t confident and does smoke, while person 5 is confident and doesn’t smoke.

Maybe it’s background. Em…lets see. Person 6 is pushed away from smoking and does smoke. Person 7 is pushed towards smoking and doesn’t smoke. What if people go the opposite way from where they’re pushed? Again this doesn’t stand up as No. 7’s brothers smoke, having been pushed into it. Most of the non-smokers come from non-smoking families and don’t smoke, happy to keep to the family tradition. No. 7 came from a smoking family and doesn’t smoke. No 6 comes from a non-smoking family and does smoke. So its not background then

Take a minute to re-read that paragraph, as it’s a bit confusing.

Personality? No 4 is confident, religious, loves to laugh and is a smoker. No 5 is also confident, religious, loves to laugh and is a non-smoker. No. 3 is unsure of herself and is a non-smoker, while No. 1 is unsure of himself and is a smoker. Lets face it, all sorts of personalities smoke. So it’s not that ether.

Gender? OH PLEASE! No way. Now we’re getting silly! No.1 is a smoking male. No.8 is a non-smoking male. No.4 is a smoking female. No.7 is a non-smoking female. Lets think of possibilities that might achtely be a reason shall we?

To fit in? WITH WHO?! You have to leave the room and go outside to smoke. A smoker smells of smoke afterwards, a smell viewed as disgusting by the non-smoker community. Completely anti-social! Anyone who thinks that smoking helps them “fit in” is not only kidding themselves, but must have a major inferiority complex to think that they need to smoke in order to fit in.

Hm… No.8 drinks and is a non-smoker. No.2 does nether. No.6 does both. I do not, however have an example in my life of a tea-total smoker, but I’m sure they exist as well. So its not connected with drink.

OH! COME ON! IF I CAN FIGURE OUT IF GOD EXISTS SHURLY I CAN FIGURE OUT WHY PEOPLE SMOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You, know, I’m not sure I can. If I think of all the people who smoke I can’t pinpoint the reason. I’d say that Person 1 smokes to cover insecurities, but people 2 and 3 live with their insecurities smoke free and No. 3 is the most insecure of the 3 people. I’d understand if person 7, coming from the family of smokers, smoked but she doesn’t! It seems you can’t guess whether someone is a smoker or not. They continue when they get addicted but why does someone start?

Why? Why? Why?

There is one person that I would like to name and I hope that he will forgive me for naming him but as far as I can see he doesn’t hide his smoking habit from anyone. Hans

Hans smokes to deal with the “accumulated shit” as he himself puts it and the more I see what he does in his job, the more I understand why he feels the need to light up. He is confident and passionate about his beliefs on things but he has a hard job ahead of him and has had a hard job in the past. I respect what he does and how he does it and if he needs to calm down via a cigarette then that’s fine. I kind of understand why. But the rest of them, coming from Scotland with their varied lives, I don’t understand why they smoke.

It’ll just have to remain one of Life’s little mysteries.

Sorry folks, but there’s only one thing I have to say here.

Smoking Kills. But you knew that already. Sorry but there’s no new information in this blog.

David Lyon. Non-smoker.

The Chaos Within - Saraswathi's Dance

On Tuesday I walked into Sahara with two med students from Canada, Aisha and Kim, and my mates from Scotland here for a quick visit, Andy Mac and Kirsty. As I walked through the door I looked left and raised my hand to greet Ashok in the men's ward as I have been doing for the last few months. The bed was empty.

I knew. But I had to ask.

"Errol where's Ashok?"

Errol smiled.

"Has he gone home?"

"He's gone home only baba. He died last evening."

Fuck!

"Don't worry about it so much Hans. He is ok now na. He was in so much pain."

Ashok had danced not two weeks ago with his wife Ashvini. He was so thrilled that he didn't just raise his hands to come greet me, he sat up and walked up to me to shake my hand.

"I'll come to you today."

The dancer was gone.

It was a tough day.

I will miss him.

Errol and I talked about how important it is not to get emotionally involved with clients. Ashok is not a DISHA client. He was my friend.

Errol and I talked about how important it is not to get emotionally involved with clients. He married Anjali and is looking after her three children.

Errol and I talked about how important it is not to get emotionally involved with clients. Last morning Saraswathi died and I cried.

Yes. She is gone. On Tuesday she smiled. Errol had shaved her head because there was lice about, and I bent over and whipped off my bandana and said 'look Saraswathi, we are like twins' and she smiled through her oral thrush. It was faint and I looked at Lata to confirm my hope that it was a smile and Lata smiled and nodded her head.

I went to Sahara to collect her body. Errol had to pack her in the white sheets before I got there to prevent infection. We then uncovered her face so that I could say goodbye. I squished down her weeping eyes. They were dry no longer. Dead bodies leak. Remember? When I picked her up to carry her to the Deep Griha ambulance she was light. I could have carried her alone.

We sat - Maya and I, with Chris, my English mate from Goa who had just got off the bus, and as a testament to who he is, came with me to collect Saraswathi - in the ambulance with her laid out gently at our feet. It was good to have someone to talk to.

Soon, we were back in the gully that had seen us wash Nagesh's dead body in January. Saraswathi's daughter rushed up to both Maya and Me and hugged us. Just for that moment we were man, woman and child. How random. How real. How much this little kid and her brother have had to face in six months.

The wailing and the histrionics that accompany a death in the community followed as expected. We washed her body. This time my whole team did it. Not just the HIV+ team members, and Avinash.

I didn't have much to do, and Maya had already washed her feet, but how could I not wash Saraswathi's feet... so I did, again.

She was burned like her husband was... and is now ash. Chris reckons she was watching it all and thinking, 'no more pain, don't cry for me. I am all right now.'

On the way back from the crematorium I noticed that both Maya and Lata were extremely quiet. As the team got down and trooped upstairs, I ordered them to me sternly. And fuck, they held on to me and silent tears started to fall. I cannot fathom the strength it takes these two people to do what they do every day. They give of themselves, again and again and again, and what... do they see their end every time a client dies? I don't know. I hugged them both to me, and reassured them that they have DISHA now. They have Deep Griha. They have me.

Errol and I talked about how important it is not to get emotionally involved with clients. Lata and Maya are not my clients. They are not just on my team. They are not just my friends. They are my gurus. They have been and they always will be, and together with Errol they give me life every day. They make me dance.

Last night Paul, Chris and I stayed the night with Errol and Anjali and little Teju. As we lay down to sleep, I remember reaching out and grasping his hand and just holding it.

This afternoon we were at Sahara again for the DISHA - Sahara Carrom tournament. We played for an old cup that was donated to Deep Griha and sat gathering dust in a cupboard. The final was an all Sahara affair. The two DISHA teams were eliminated in the first round. Avinash and Meera, Team 1 and Shankar - an HIV affected kid - and I, Team 2.

The music blared. Little Kumar started dancing. He has great moves. Stevie and Katie joined in. The place was alive. And as I watched them I thought of Ashok's last dance and the question Malik asked me last night as he inquired about Saraswathi's funeral.

"How was Saraswathi's Dance?"

It was a good dance. She had some great moves. And we'll dance them until we can dance no more.

DOES GOD EXIST?

DOES GOD EXIST?

Interesting question isn’t it. Yes or No. One of these answers is correct. One of these answers is wrong. It’s a 50/50 chance of guessing right. It’s a 50/50 chance of guessing wrong. People have gone for both answers right through history. If we ignore the fact that God has been defined and re-defined many thousands of times, it still boils down to that one question. If the correct answer is Yes then many people must have got further answer’s wrong but before you can decide who He/She/It/They are you first must make up your mind about that simple, 50/50 question. Does God Exist?

Well? Does He?

Let’s take a look at Life and attempt to finally answer the question that has plagued mankind since somebody paused to wonder why he was at the top of the food chain, while his hunting partner was eaten by a lion. He must have frowned and thought “I rule the Earth. WHY? Is it to do with some higher being? Lets call him God. Does God exist?”

Well let’s attempt to answer the question now, shall we?

OK

Take 3 theoretical cases.

Case Study 1. A girl is born in Scotland to a happy family. She goes to school, gets life long friends. She became a reasonably successful author and she spends some time doing a trip round the world. She lived to see her 100th birthday and died peacefully and happy a few months later

Case Study 2. A boy is born on the same day in the slums in India. He is HIV+ from day one. He is discriminated against and dies due to lack of treatment and understanding by the age of 4. Given treatment he would have lived to 56 and would have spent a lot of time working in a call centre.

Case Study 3. Another boy is born in New York. To a loving family that have already sighed him up to the best school money can afford. Despite doctor’s efforts he dies due to complications at birth.

Unfair? I’d say so.

Look at the lives these people were destined to live. Supposing they’d all lived, their lives and opportunities were drastically different just because of where they were born and to whom. And yet, one lived, one died of medical problems and one, essentially, was killed by the society that he was born into.

Here we have to draw a conclusion that we already know.

Life is Unfair.

OK, so you already knew that. Well it’s a big step to figuring out the question - Does God Exist? The fact is going to help us get an answer of Yes or No.

OK, we have to ask ourselves if Life is unfair why is it unfair. Why would God allow one to die and one to live? Why wouldn’t He give everyone the same chance? Or if that would be boring give people different chances, but for crying out loud, give them some chance. Look back at our case studies. The baby dieing at birth didn’t get much of a shot. Why’d He take him and let the Scottish woman live to 100?

For those who answered No to “Does God Exist?” that is the very simple answer. He doesn’t and life is a random thing that happened in the Universe. End of story. Next blog please.

For those who answered Yes to “Does God Exist?” there is a very common answer that is rolled out. It is an explanation that people give to you on a plate without really thinking about it. It is this

Everything is part of a large bold plan. It’s not our place to question it. Just sit back and accept that He will get to the point soon enough.

Personally I think this is a nice way of not answering the question. If it’s all a big plan then why’s He taking so long to get to the bloody point? I’ve heard of beating around the bush but this is ridiculous!

And think about any plan you’ve ever made. A plan is something you make in order to achieve a set goal or goals. For example, if you go into a supermarket you plan is to get everything on your shopping list. You have the plan to go down aisle 1 for the bread, and aisle 3 for you fish, missing out aisle 2, as you know that nothing you need is there. Then you continue to work your way through the store right up till aisle 31 – ice cream. And think about it. You don’t go down aisle 1; head for 31 and troop back to 3 do you. The reason everyone goes through a supermarket methodically is the same. To save time and effort

This is what a plan is. It is something you make to get your goal(s) done in the quickest, easiest and most efficient way possible.

Honestly. A student’s exam timetable. A robber’s plan to rob the bank. Driving to the cinema. Planning for an interview. A mechanic fixing a car. A builder building a house. An author planning a story. A minister planning a sermon. A traveller planning a route round a country. A dressmaker altering a dress. A team playing football. Anyone who makes a plan is making it in order to obtain a certain objective in the quickest, easiest and most efficient way possible.


Right. OK. So now that we can think about what a plan is lets have a look at the argument again. And then compare it to what a plan is.

Everything is part of a large bold plan. It’s not our place to question it. Just sit back and accept that He will get to the point soon enough.

A plan something you make to get your goal(s) done in the quickest, easiest and most efficient way possible

Hm…. Even if we accept that there is a final goal you’d have thought that he might have got to his point by now. How long has he had now?! Unless something has happened along the way this argument is just a way of not answering the question and is rolled out way too quickly and easily.

WAIT A SECOND!!!! You just said, “Unless something has happened” What does that mean?!

Ok, what if God did exist but then he died?

WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

God could be mortal.

If God did create us then its more probable to assume that the creature is mortal rather than immortal. We have no evidence whatsoever that immortality is even possible. Maybe he caught the God’s version of the plague and died.

Why does he have to live forever to be God?

And if God could conceivably have an end, what about its beginning.

Where did God come from?

OK, you take a Mummy God and a Daddy God and if they love each other very much they will create a Baby God.

WHAT!!!!! BABY GOD!!!!!!

Hang on, stay with me here. What if we’re some baby God experiment that after he lost in the ‘Create Life competition’ to the Science Geek God, who created something better, shelved the earth and forgot about us. If we define God till the end of this paragraph as our creator, what if God is actually a little green professor called Quje from the Planet Zog?

But whether it was Quje or a big baby mystical being it is at least possible that the creature has a beginning, middle and an end to His life. Or maybe he had a beginning, middle and an end to his life. Hm… Think about this for a second here. He planned to get to a point, died before he did, and his little creation was simply left to get on with it, spinning into a world of Unfairness.

Does God Exist? Maybe a third answer be – He did, but doesn’t any longer.

Hm… That would be in the ‘No’ category but it brings me to the realisation that our question needs a slight addition in order to remain a 50\50 chance.

Does God Exist NOW?

Well? Does he?

OK, let me boil this down for a second. If this is a large plan I don’t think he’s still around because he is taking such a long time to come to the point. It is possible that at the beginning something had a plan but either died or got bored with us and moved onto better things leaving us to our own defences. If this is the case then maybe we should have a holiday celebrating his birthday and stop doing all this religious jazz as there is nobody listening.

But what if there is somebody listening? Lets think of alternatives. If he is here he is obviously doing something more than simply getting to the end of a large plan. If he is here he must be doing something more or something different.

But What?

Lets think. Supposing for a second here that it is Quje from Planet Zog. Maybe he is getting a lot of valuable information on Life from his little experiment that is benefiting Life elsewhere in the Universe and in order to get accurate data he needs life to think of God. Any ‘miracle’ that people have supposedly seen has simply been Quje getting a little more information that helps life on Planet Zog to run a little more smoothly. This explanation atchetly fits like a glove if you think about it. Life is Unfair, simply because its random, but Quje defined as ‘God’ because he created us, does exist.

Strangely enough I feel that people who originally answered ‘no’ to “Does God Exist?” will be more drawn to this conclusion than people who answered ‘yes’. Nobody likes to be taken for a fool and in order to accept this conclusion you need to dramatically redefine God as a small green mortal being and realise that you’ve spent all that time in church preying to him. Its easier to say that this conclusion is rubbish than atchetly consider the possibility and as humans always take the easy way out of any situation, anyone who believes in God is not going to give this idea a second thought.

Go back to the highly improbable immortal, mystical being. What if he has lost control somehow and has no way of influencing anything? Well what is the point in being there at all Mr God? If all He is doing is watching helplessly on then he might as well move on. If this is the case then the answer to “Does God Exist Now?” is “Well, yes, but he might as well not be for all the good he’s doing.”

Good? We’ve already examined the possibility that God is mortal. Why does God have to be good?

What is God is bad?

What if he lies back in a big armchair watching us and laughing at all the unfairness and suffering? This idea doesn’t really bare thinking about. Life is Unfair and ‘God’ is getting a jolly good belly laugh out of it as he watches a painful birth on his computer and then, as the child is still crying with pain, he hits delete. This sends shivers down the spine, the more you think about it.

Going back to Mr Quje from Zog for a minute. What if his information is actually for evil?

That’s a horrible answer. “Does God Exist Now?” “Well Yes, but he’s evil.”

Like the idea of Mr Quje believers will dismiss this as rubbish as they don’t want to think they’ve spent all that time in church preying to someone who is evil. He’s laughing harder still whenever people praise him. It doesn’t bare thinking about.

Lets face it. Anyone who firmly believes in God needs God to be an all forgiving, all good, immortal being. People believe that this is possible even though there is no proof that any of it is possible. All forgiving? Everyone has something that they would not be able to simply look over and forgive. All good? Nobody is good all the time. And nothing we know of is immortal, nor is there any sort of proof that immortality is even possible.

I find this pretty little picture of God as very, very, very, extremely, highly improbable, so close to impossible that the line between the 2 is virtually non-existent. If you want to make the leap of faith and take those odds be my guest, but you wouldn’t take them in a casino where your money’s at stake, why take them now when the way you live your life’s at stake?

Despite this I think many believers reading this are still going to take that tiny atom of a chance that the all-good, forgiving, immortal being exists, rather than think about the more probable alternatives. One I would like to put forward here. It was mentioned at the beginning but lets think about it for a moment.

What if the answer to “Does God Exist?” is, quite simply “No”?

Lets go back to our thinking hunter wondering why he rules the earth. Evolution and chance provide an alternative explanation. We just did. It was a race to rule the earth and we won. Then when we had we wondered why we had. Then humans created this thing called “God” to explain the fact they had got there first. Throughout history Gods have come and gone with many festivals created, many as societies decided to merge Gods together. In order to make the fantasy more believable customs and stories were made up and over time people looked at one another wondering if they were true and many people decided that they were creating faith. They decided that they were because they couldn’t believe that something like Life could possibly be random and people believe this to this day.

Many years ago this is how God and the whole mess was created. This is the start of God

“We’re in charge of the Earth. Life is full and plentiful. This can’t be random. Lets believe something created it shall we? Lets call it God. He needs to be good because nobody will want a bad God. He needs to be immortal because nobody will want a mortal God. He needs to NOT be Quje from Zog, just another random little life form because we need something far more powerful than ourselves. Where did he come from you ask? Em…well if he is immortal maybe he didn’t have a beginning. OH! Here's a good idea! Be good and he will reward you, be bad and he will punish you. What did you say? You’ve never seen anyone being rewarded or punished? When could it happen? Em.. OH what if it happens after you die? Yes, that’s good. Sorry what did you say? Bodies are here and the good and bad get the same. Em…well, I know, why don’t we have things that leave the body? A theoretical thing. Lets call it a sole shall we and then God rewards or punishes your sole. Yes that fits.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present the start of God.

This is a nice flexible basic principle for religion. It allows you to have as many Gods as you want, name them, have all sorts of stories about the good and the bad and allows each new religion that comes along to have their God(s) controlling as much or as little as they see fit. Out of all the religions these are the basics with all the enjoyable little extras added on around it. Some even got more Gods into the mix so that they could have bad Gods as well as good ones, as well as giving some of their Gods colourful beginnings. Going so far as having the odd God death appearing in the history of religion. Lets face it. As long as you have your one big, powerful, all good, immortal God, why not have some fun creating loads of others where you can then break all the rules from what people want in the God at the top.

Not every religion does this to be fair, some simply stick to the one improbable, immortal, all good guy somehow, inconceivably, controlling everything at once. But the principle is the same; they just ignored the idea of other Gods although most religions that I have any knowledge of at the very least seem to have some sort of bad guy.

And the idea of a sole is a nice touch. There is nothing to be seen in this life that would suggest reward or punishment by a God, but if we have an essence that goes somewhere after you die, you can then make the next life whatever you want it to be. Create your own punishments and rewards for the bad and the good and hope that nobody asks the question of where the dog goes or what happens to the innocent newborn baby.

So, like any good conclusion, I need to return to the original question. “Does God Exist?”

Like I said, I don’t think it’s the all-good, immortal being. Nobody can be good all the time, and I find it hard to see how something could not die eventually. The all-bad immortal being is equally as unlikely, but anyone who wants to take the odds of the good one, needs to also take the same odds for the bad one. One might say there is good in the world, but then there is also bad and life in general is unfair. Quje from Zog I find fractionally more believable, but only because the solution fits without too much force. In order to make a God fit you need to add something (i.e. a sole) that He can reward or punish, as well as creating a reason why an immortal good guy allows life to be unfair and why he’s hiding. In order to make Quje fit all you need to do is add his flying ship orbiting the Earth and your there.

The idea that a large mortal being created the earth and then died is a possibility (or went away, or forgot about us ect). The atual circumstances are not important. The point is that we are now on our own and can now dispense with religion. But if he has gone away then the answer to “Does God Exist Now?” would be a “yes, but he might as well not be.”

I find it highly probable that Humans simply created God out of a necessity to explain themselves. This argument is defiantly in the “No” pile

So finally back to the question – “Does God Exist?” hm…. I’m doubtful. Maybe he did.

Does God Exist Now? – I find myself undecided.

Does God Exist Now And Here?” I feel that this might at last be the right, relevant, question and I have my answer. I’m unsure as to whether or not he did or does exist, and it is possible that he still exists and is somewhere else, floating around at some distant part of the Universe, but is he here and now, listening, helping?

Sorry folks. The answer is “No”

David Lyon