The Chaos Within - The return of the dance!
It's been a while since I've written a blog. There has been so much to write about... and yes, I've had the time if I needed it... but somehow I couldn't bring myself to sit down and write again... for a time, after Saraswathi and Ashok died, I forgot how to dance.
I gave myself over to work, to the play 'On Vacation' (which we did as an awareness/fund raiser for DISHA on the 17th of June). The fucking Deep Griha computers have played their share in keeping me away from my next blog. (Paul suggested that I - an almost priest - am qualified to perform an almost excorcism of the demons that have undoubtedly possessed the computers for so long now.) But sometimes you can't write... not because the words aren't there, but rather because you are afraid of what the words will say.
Dostoevsky in the 'Idiot' said, "my words don't always correspond to my thoughts and that is embarressing for the thoughts."
For me, while this is true, it meant that if they don't correspond, then something was in danger of pouring out that my thoughts can't guard against... and we all need to move to a position that doesn't allow us to be made bare and naked, a place where we can hide from ourselves, a place we trust... I am not making too much sense am I... let's go back... for a time I forgot how to dance and then, being in Delhi, forced me to remember.
On the Friday night, my first night here I was invited to the Sahara Coffee night on the roof terrace of their drug rehab centre. Here the music blared and the clients danced, abandoning themselves to the rhythm. 'Get high with music.' And fuck did I dance...
Then, this morning I visited Shantanu's transgender (TG) project. The return of the dance was reinforced. My time with Sahara has reminded me that we never stop dancing, we always move, through the pain, through the confusion, through the chaos.
The TG project in Old Delhi works with Eunuchs and homosexuals. It is a naked, real project. It reaches out to a people that have been misunderstood marginalised and manipulated, especially in recent history. Sex is a living. HIV/AIDS is most often a consequence. Selfrespect is on sabbatical.
Shantanu and his team are helping them find it again. When you sit with them and they glance shyly... you don't know how to react. Smile... of course I smiled. It was met with a stony glare. I smiled again, and the suspicioun very slowly melted.
Of course I'd need to work or volunteer here to make any connection, but listening to their stories, listening about how they have been reduced to less than human because they are neither male nor female, reminded me of how fucking flawed we are as humanity.
People have attempted to explain evil to me as a force that is outside of us, as is good. Spending the morning on the TG project reinforced my belief in the fact that good and evil are of us. It is as human as our need for love. It is as complicated as our need for love. It is as simple as our need for love.
And the transgender community love to dance. Watching them today I realised that the need to dance is human and simple and complicated too. Primeval. And my insides filled with gratitude.
I have been priveleged to work with and meet people that continue to inspire me... from Dr. Onawale, to Neville, to Shantanu and Mirchi, to the dancer, to my fantastic team, and of course the team of Deep Griha volunteers (and that new Sahara volunteer with the gorgeous smile) that I miss as much or more than they do me.
The cliche that every day is a beginning, that we are reborn with the the coming of dawn, is not just a truism, I have felt it again, deep deep deep inside me.
There is much to do. Ahead of us are weeks of hard work and sacrifice... bring it on! With those around me at DISHA, Sahara and of course Deep Griha, nothing is impossible.
On with the dance... it has returned.
I gave myself over to work, to the play 'On Vacation' (which we did as an awareness/fund raiser for DISHA on the 17th of June). The fucking Deep Griha computers have played their share in keeping me away from my next blog. (Paul suggested that I - an almost priest - am qualified to perform an almost excorcism of the demons that have undoubtedly possessed the computers for so long now.) But sometimes you can't write... not because the words aren't there, but rather because you are afraid of what the words will say.
Dostoevsky in the 'Idiot' said, "my words don't always correspond to my thoughts and that is embarressing for the thoughts."
For me, while this is true, it meant that if they don't correspond, then something was in danger of pouring out that my thoughts can't guard against... and we all need to move to a position that doesn't allow us to be made bare and naked, a place where we can hide from ourselves, a place we trust... I am not making too much sense am I... let's go back... for a time I forgot how to dance and then, being in Delhi, forced me to remember.
On the Friday night, my first night here I was invited to the Sahara Coffee night on the roof terrace of their drug rehab centre. Here the music blared and the clients danced, abandoning themselves to the rhythm. 'Get high with music.' And fuck did I dance...
Then, this morning I visited Shantanu's transgender (TG) project. The return of the dance was reinforced. My time with Sahara has reminded me that we never stop dancing, we always move, through the pain, through the confusion, through the chaos.
The TG project in Old Delhi works with Eunuchs and homosexuals. It is a naked, real project. It reaches out to a people that have been misunderstood marginalised and manipulated, especially in recent history. Sex is a living. HIV/AIDS is most often a consequence. Selfrespect is on sabbatical.
Shantanu and his team are helping them find it again. When you sit with them and they glance shyly... you don't know how to react. Smile... of course I smiled. It was met with a stony glare. I smiled again, and the suspicioun very slowly melted.
Of course I'd need to work or volunteer here to make any connection, but listening to their stories, listening about how they have been reduced to less than human because they are neither male nor female, reminded me of how fucking flawed we are as humanity.
People have attempted to explain evil to me as a force that is outside of us, as is good. Spending the morning on the TG project reinforced my belief in the fact that good and evil are of us. It is as human as our need for love. It is as complicated as our need for love. It is as simple as our need for love.
And the transgender community love to dance. Watching them today I realised that the need to dance is human and simple and complicated too. Primeval. And my insides filled with gratitude.
I have been priveleged to work with and meet people that continue to inspire me... from Dr. Onawale, to Neville, to Shantanu and Mirchi, to the dancer, to my fantastic team, and of course the team of Deep Griha volunteers (and that new Sahara volunteer with the gorgeous smile) that I miss as much or more than they do me.
The cliche that every day is a beginning, that we are reborn with the the coming of dawn, is not just a truism, I have felt it again, deep deep deep inside me.
There is much to do. Ahead of us are weeks of hard work and sacrifice... bring it on! With those around me at DISHA, Sahara and of course Deep Griha, nothing is impossible.
On with the dance... it has returned.
posted by Deep Griha at 4:33 am
2 Comments:
on with the dance Hans! On with the dance! Don't you ever lose it again!
All the VERY Best Hans all the Very Best
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