The Chaos Within - Mask of Stigma

I know that my blog posts are not as regular as they used to be. The Wake Up Pune campaign is taking a lot of time, and of course everything else that DISHA is trying to accomplish. Celebration of Life 2006 is coming around again and the DISHA Cricket Challenge Trophy games begin in early November. This year we have approached a corporate Extentia to support us and we await confirmation with fingers and toes and all else that can be crossed.

Mike Marshal has finally arrived at Sahara Aalhad with the intention of upgrading it to as near as he can get to hospital standards with the limited budget he has. Mike brings with him a wealth of experience and for someone like me who is green in this field Mikey being here is huge! He echoes everything we want to accomplish in this city, and he brings with him the authority of having worked all over India from Naga Land to Hyderabad. I have much to learn from this man. Much.

On Friday last Mikey arrived just as the inaugural DISHA party was winding down on the terrace. This party was for the 'DISHA family' as Avinash calls us all. Clients and team and everyone else included. We had so much fun. We danced and danced and then danced some more. The orchestra from the community that we paid Rs.800 for consisted of a drum, a couple of singers and a tambourine. It was fantastic. This was all we needed. Avinash and Meera and Laxmi joined in with guest vocals and we were off! Everyone was dressed in his or her best. And anyone who wants a window into life after HIV, come join us on the second Friday of every month on the Deep Griha terrace at Tadiwala Road.

We keep saying during our education and awareness sessions that HIV is not an end to life. And we say it with the conviction that our HIV+ clients have given us. The conviction that our HIV+ team members have given us.

I was overcome that night. Again. Why has HIV become what it is? What have we done to HIV that makes people reject daughters and stone neighbours? Why are we so afraid of HIV+ people?

Multiple answers. I know. Multiple answers. Yet... none of these multiple answers answer the questions.

When we say stigma kills we mean it. We've seen it. We've touched it. And if we are not careful it will bite us too. It will infect us.

Someone I have worked with for almost two years suddenly turned around and told me that she is afraid of the stigma she 'might' face from my team if she tests herself for HIV. Her fear was very real to her. And although I do not and cannot believe that anyone on my team will stigmatize her, the fear in her eyes forced me to confront this very fact. And I could not say for sure that yes, no one on my team will reject you. This realization, if you like... it sapped me of all my strength. We have to be so careful, even if we are in this field. Even if we claim to be the adversaries of stigma and discrimination. It is insidious. And my friend who worked me for two years fears it. It maybe a creation within her, this fear, yet, it is there, and it stems from her intimate knowledge of how we work.

It is human. The fear of stigma... and the stigma. When I think back to Saraswathi and all she went through, when I think of Anita, Ashok, Ratnadeep, Usha, Renu, Prakash, all the clients that both DISHA and Sahara have lost, our human condition is. It just is. Maya sobbed for the first time on Thursday. She sobbed uncontrollably. The matter was trivial. Inconsequential. It brought forth a flood. As I held her... her very real strength seemed a facade. My strength is a facade too. It is human. Person comes from persona... mask. And the mask of stigma is easily worn.

We just might not know that we are wearing it.