The Chaos Within - In giving you receive?

It's that time of the evening when you're staring at the computer screen and wondering why there is a computer screen to stare at... why are my fingers tapping away at the keyboard spilling my thoughts on to something as disembodied as a 'create' page on a blog site... if I pause to think then my fingers pause too. See... just happened... and again... and again...

Fatigue. I am on that road - yes, this blog is going to be a little bit about me today. Fuck, Navin, who would have thought that I can be as naked as this... again fatigue rips away the dross of inhibition and you are splayed out raw... as is! - that road of burning out.

If I speak of this to those that know me, they refer immediately to my loss of faith: "You need faith in God to sustain you and replenish you emotionally and physically and of course spiritually in the work you do..." Some don't understand how it is possible to come into work every morning without doing it in the service of our Lord and Saviour. After all, while Deep Griha purports to be secular, it is no secret that this organisation was founded on Christian principles...

"In giving you receive" - is the motto that curls about the foot of the DG light house logo. Yes… but is that why we give... if we didn't receive, would we continue to give? But how the fuck can we not receive? Lalita's smile and the other visceral smiles that greet us on the project, the clutching of my little finger by Kumar, the way he runs into office with his latest creation for me to take home and put on my wall... Maya's eyes that will forever haunt me.

You can't help but receive...

And yet, if we do it say… only for the smiles - what happens when the pain and tears and anguish comes? What happens if there are no smiles - unlikely! - to draw succour from? What happens when Kumar gets too sick to tear around the upper floor of Deep Griha? What happens when the light dims in Maya's eyes? (The haunting will grow more acute!) But what happens when all that we take as 'receiving' flies away? Do we continue to give?

Yes. Simple, really.

But, in my fatigue I know more than ever that giving does not necessarily predicate receiving.

Now, there are multiple options open to me - other than falling on my knees and bearing my repentant soul to a transcendent being. I am not denigrating this option, only making it clear that I cannot. - to change direction and avoid the burn-out that looms ahead.

Verite, I will and have to guard against the burning because it is irresponsible and self-piteous - my blogs probably often belie my consciousness of this - and frankly 'not an option.'

But in this state of I-just-want-to-lie-down-and-sleep-so-I-should I can't escape that giving cannot be based on the hope of receiving. It is the path of sadness. Disappointment.

Some call me nihilistic. The fuck I am!? But you cannot impose meaning and purpose into the work we do because we feel we should be rewarded either in the ephemeral here and now, or in that abiding and perpetual nextness.

Why do it?

It needs to be done.

Of course we get paid for what we do - and there is a fucking fuck load of money in poverty! HIV/AIDS is an industry! But sadly, little or nothing reaches the beneficiary. Come, work on a grassroots project for a local NGO and you'll understand what I am talking about. Some are great at accessing the ubiquitous funds, and others struggle on scraps. Deep Griha is in-between, and Sahara Care Home is lucky if they can scrounge any scraps. Some mornings Errol gets up to no money for a gas cylinder. No tea. He lives at the Care Home 24/7 and he sometimes doesn't get paid for three months. He uses what little money he gets to make sure the clients have food and medicine.

In giving you receive... he believes passionately in God. It keeps the tired smile on his face and the spark alive in his tired eyes.

Passion and courage like Errol’s is rare and beautiful.

Ground Control to Major Tom... we have lift off.